I Facebooked Your Mum
by hopesandpastdesires
Summary: Facebook is a fascinating thing. So what happens when Alec takes to Facebook to complain about his life? Ties in with Chapter 43 of "Jane Volturi's Diary". :
1. Chapter 1

_Yeah this is a one-off story I did because I was bored and needed cheering up. I was greatly inspired by an awesome FanFic - "Jacob Get's Facebook" I think, so all credit for the Facebook idea goes to AngelCullenxxx. :)_

_I just felt like doing my own for some random ass reason haha :)_

_Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight. Don't own Harry Potter. Don't own the characters... do I own anything? Oh yeah I do. Myself. o.O_

_AND I own the FanFic storylines I make up. Hehe. :)_

* * *

_**I Facebooked Your Mum.**_

**Alec Volturi **OMG u are a self-obsessed, stupid, uncaring betch of a cow. Yeah Jane, i'm talking to u.

2 hours ago - Comment - Like

Demetri Volturi, Felix Volturi and 12 others like this.

**Edward Cullen **OOOOH how does that feel jane?

**Alec Volturi **fuk off edward.

**Edward Cullen** alriteee, jus passing comment...

**Demetri Volturi** yeah well no1 wants ur fucking comment bitch. so fuck off u fag. on the other hand, JANE AHAHAH OWNED! :D

**Greta Davis** i love how everyone hates edward. he's like the miley cyrus of the vamp world. :)

**Edward Cullen **WTF? who r uu?

**Greta Davis** ur mum.

**Alec Volturi **REALLY?

**Greta Davis** no.

**Edward Cullen** who r u then?

**Greta Davis** i control ur lives. that's all.

**Alec Volturi** really?

**Greta Davis **HELL YEAH.

**Alec Volturi **in that case, can you make jane be nice to me from now on?

**Greta Davis** sorry, no can do.

**Alec Volturi** WHY?

**Greta Davis** because i like to watch you suffer.

**Alec Volturi **FML. u are WAY worse than jane!

**Edward Cullen **HAHAHAHA Alec is pwned.

**Demetri Volturi** pwned? ppl stopped using that word ages ago. get with the times edward. you are such a failure at life.

**Edward Cullen** alrite then, wats the new word?

**Demetri Volturi **y shud i tell u? i dont even lyk u.

**Alec Volturi **OH! gutted like a fish!

**Victoria 'Riley James'** what?

**Alec Volturi **...aren't you dead?

**Victoria 'Riley James'** oh yeah. SOZ my bad.

**Greta Davis** ^^^ what the actual hell.

**Alec Volturi** can u go away now?

**Greta Davis **noooope.

**Edward Cullen** lol train.

**Harry Potter **hi!

**Alec Volturi** bye!

**Edward Cullen** ^ roflcopter

**Greta Davis **edward? seriously? just die.

**Edward Cullen** MAKE ME.

**Greta Davis **the funny thing is, i can actually do that. i'll just write you off in the next chapter.

**Alec Volturi **please do.

**Edward Cullen** um, okay... just like, yeah. anyway alec ur status, y do u h8 jane? i understand but still. jw.

**Heidi Volturi **evryone hates jane. she is a shlag.

**Felix Volturi** LOOK WHO'S TALKING!

**Heidi Volturi** Felix you fucking ginger prick, i am NOT a slag. i'm just stupid and blind because i cannot believe i actually FANCIED you becos u r so fucking ugly that David Gest looks like a GOD compared to u. go and fuck yurself u fatass dick.

**Alec Volturi** GUTTED. LIKE. A. FISH.

**Edward Cullen** OOOOOH. FELIX GOT TOLD!

**Jasper Hale **heh heh heh felix the cat got pwned. :)

**Edward Cullen** jasper? seriously? NO ONE says pwned anymore. it is so lame.

**Alec Volturi** edward? seriously? YOU were saying pwned just a few minutes ago until I came along.

**Jasper Hale **edward ur mama is lame. ooooooh! heh

**Alice Cullen **oh jasper. you are such a fool.

**Felix Volturi **AY AY AY AY AY AY. yh well u no what heidi? u just think that u r so pretty dont u. well GUESS WHAT. u think alone. jane isnt the stuck up self obsessed cow of a betch around here, YOU are HEiDI. i cant believe i like, actually slept with u. :O

**Alec Volturi **oh. OH! OOOOH! SILENCE!

**Demetri Volturi** alec u didnt leave enough time for there to be silence. u posted ur comment 3 seconds after felix u crazy fool.

**Heidi Volturi** YEAH well GUESS WHAT felix. jAne IS a slag u just dont no it because ur head is so up ur own arse that u dont notice ANYTHING u bastard. and anyway, a DONKEY is better than u in bed anyway. so FUCK OFF.

**Edward Cullen **ahahaha! yay! now i have some AWESOME comebacks for bella whens he starts arguing with me hehe! :D

**Alec Volturi** you had sex with a donkey?

**Edward Cullen** whaaaat?

**Demetri Volturi **heidi slept with a donkey?

**Emmett Cullen **EDWARD FUCKED A DONKEY?

**Jacob Black** who's a donkey?

**Edward Cullen** YA MUM.

**Seth Clearwater **WHEEYYYYY! haha awesome i loveee facebook fights. :))

**Afton Volturi** did anyone else notice edward called bella a he?

**Seth Clearwater **bella's a she-male?

**Jacob Black** who's a she-male?

**Felix Volturi** your mum is bitch!

**Alec Volturi **OH! HOW DOES THAT FEEEEEEEL!

**Jacob Black** who feels what?

**Seth Clearwater** your mum feels my dick. OHHH!

**Leah Clearwater** seth that's disgusting. besides, there is no dick to feel.

**Afton Volturi **hahaha. lol!

**Leah Clearwater **who the fuck are you?

**Afton Volturi **no i think the question is... who are YOU?

**Alec Volturi **yeh whos this leah kid? and seth kid? wtf? why r u on my page?

**Seth Clearwater **because ur mum.

**Jacob Black** ...killed it.

**Seth Clearwater **yeh well jacob? u killed it when u were born!

**Jacob Black** shut da fook up cos guess whos in control tonight!

**Afton Volturi** ...your mum?

**Seth Clearwater** WHEYA-HEY!

**Leah Clearwater** u killed it again seth u douche.

**Jacob Black **OH!

**Alec Volturi** ...no. just, just no. stop now.

**Harry Potter** i facebooked your mum heh heh. ;)

**Greta Davis **shutup harry or i'll put ur nan in a trolley. (oh!)

**Felix Volturi **^^^ who r u?

**Greta Davis** what do u mean who r u?

**Felix Volturi** um lyk... don't confuse me.. but who... r u?

**Greta Davis** scroll up. cba to explain again.

**Felix Volturi** ... how do u scroll up?

**Alec Volturi** perrywinkle.

**Greta Davis** ?

**Felix Volturi **ahah there we go.

**Heidi Volturi** seriously Felix, u are such a twat.

**Felix Volturi **heidi i hate u u vain fucking tranny.

_**Three Hours Later**_

**Heidi Volturi **is now in a relationship with herself.

2 minutes ago - Comment - Like

Felix Volturi and 33 others like this.

**Felix Volturi **roflcopter.

**Heidi Volturi **...?


	2. Chapter 2

_**I Facebooked Your Mum (Part II)**_

**Jane Volturi** you know when your just chillin in your room and out of nowhere Aro comes along and accuses you of stealing his furry leopard print snuggie in a welsh accent...

Five minutes ago via Facebook Mobile - Comment - Like

Heidi Volturi and 2 others like this.

**Alec Volturi** ...no.

**Jane Volturi **shutup alec.

**Alec Volturi **pardon me for breathing.

**Jane Volturi** typing actually.

**Felix Volturi **don't tell any1 but i took the snuggie because it makes me happy. :')

**Alec Volturi** ^^^^^^ sorry wot?

**Jane Volturi **LOL FAIL!

**Heidi Volturi** NOTIFICATIONS!

**Edward Cullen** hey betches.

**Jane Volturi** stfu and get the hell out of here you drag queen.

**Edward Cullen **what i only came on here for the gossip, and i get a total beating for it.

**Rosalie Hale** HELL TO THE NO! Edward did you nick my Twilight Rose nail varnish? That's my posh Dior one!

**Jane Volturi** BAHAHA is he even more on the turn?

**Rosalie Hale** well duh.

**Edward Cullen** *blushes* rosiee i'm only borrowing for tonight and then i'll give it back to you tomorrow. :')

**Felix Volturi** oooh and your gonna borrow bella's pink frock and rosalie's wig and lippy and hit the town...

**Edward Cullen **ACTUALLY it's alice's pink frock so don't be silly.

**Jane Volturi **this is getting wierd now...

**Heidi Volturi **AHEM NOTIFICATIONS!

**Jane Volturi **shutup heidi.

**Heidi Volturi** urm are you starting on me again Jane. You know what happened last time...

**Aro Volturi** it's nice to see i'm becoming quite popular on this social networking website! you know, getting BookFace wasn't such a bad idea after all!

**Jane Volturi ***facepalm*

**Alec Volturi** *Facebook...

**Aro Volturi **Felix you big buffoon! You could've told me and I'd have ordered two snuggies! I ordered another one today, it's a rainbow leopard one! I bet you are jealous! ;)

**Felix Volturi **ah deffo mate! can i keep this one then?

**Aro Volturi** well of course! OH I KNOW! why don't you meet me tonight and we can have a midnight feast in our snuggies and watch Heidi!

**Jane Volturi **...

**Heidi Volturi **WHAT DO YOU MEAN WATCH HEIDI! MY LIFE IS NOT A PORNO!

**Felix Volturi **you dick he means the film. YEAH i really wanna see it! they like eat loads of cheese and stuff, it looks sick man! tonight at midnight, i'll be sure to bring my snuggie!

**Jane Volturi** ...

_**Two minutes later**_

**Jane Volturi** the whole world has gone absolutely fucking mad. snuggies? Heidi? Twilight Rose nail varnish? WHAT THE HELLLL!

Two seconds ago - Comment - Like

_(No one likes this)_

**Voldemort **has anyone seen my nose?

**Felix Volturi **up ur arse.

**Voldemort** i beg your pardon?

**Felix Volturi** like i sed, up ur arse.

**Dumbledore** that's a bit rude don't you think?

**Voldemort** YOU'RE DEAD! :(

**Dumbledore **oh well excuuuuuuuse me. well u know what? i kno wen i'm not wanted. :'(

**Harry Potter **oh my! voldemort is back! don't worry guys, i'm here to save the day! (as fucking usual)

**Hagrid **HARRY! YOU'RE A WIZARD!

**Harry Potter** alakazammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

**Neville 'I Like Cake' **hi guys!

**Jane Volturi** can everyone above gtfo my page. no one cares about harry potter.

**Ginny 'Ginger' Weasley** I'M PREGNANT WITH HARRY'S BABYYYYYYY!

**Jane Volturi** WHO CARES? it'll be fugly anyway.

**Harry Potter** YAYYYYY!

**Jane Volturi** you wizards are so fucking weird. harry potter sucks. VAMPIRES FOREVERR!

**Seth Clearwater **FINALLY! A BABY I CAN IMPRINT ON!

**Jane Volturi** that's disgusting.

**Seth Clearwater** oh so it's okay for Jacob to be a peodophile but not me?

**Jane Volturi **you dawgs sicken me.

_**Twenty seconds later**_

**Seth Clearwater **is now in a relationship with Harry and Ginny 'Ginger' Potter's baby.

Two seconds ago - Comment - Like

Jacob Black likes this.


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